Now Playing 6/16/13 @ 3:32 pm (Or, “I like alcohol”)
Kataklysm - Prevail
It’s true, too. I do like alcohol.
‘Like giving a big middle-finger to the world’
So Alysha and I went to lunch today during our 1-hour break—we went to Chili’s. It’s not my favorite restaurant in the world, but it’s passable I guess. Plus it’s directly across the street from Home Depot, so, uh, it’s alright. Anyway, she once again said something so apt that I wish it had come out of my own mouth.
We arrive at Chili’s and get seated at a table, when our host, Daniel, asked for our drink order. Alysha got water; I asked for Sprite. Daniel leaves.
“I bet he doesn’t wear underwear,” she says.
“Really?” I say. “What makes you say that?”
“A woman can tell.” *she winks*
“That’s not a very convincing argument. Even with the wink.”
She’s just about to say something but we shut up for a second since Daniel returned with her water and my Sprite. We then ordered our lunch—she got a salad, and I got a chicken wrap. Daniel leaves.
“I’m positive now,” she says.
“I’m still waiting for your reasoning by the way. And it better be good.”
“Well,” she says. “Look at the noticeable crease in the ass of his thin pants—clearly a wedgie.”
“If he were wearing underwear then that wedgie would’ve been in the underwear and not the pants. He has nowhere to hide it.”
“Who are you, Sherlock Holmes?”
“I might be,” she says. “Though my New York accent would blow my cover.”
“Have you ever tried it, though?” She asks.
“Maybe just around the house once or twice,” I say. “I’m far too big a pussy to do it in public.”
“Wanna know the secret to doing it?”
“Of course,” I say.
“Ok,” she says. “The key is to assume that everyone can tell. Like giving a big middle-finger to the world.”
“Well,” I say. “I’m still a huge pussy.”
“Have I taught you nothing?” She says.
“Uh, what time is it?” I ask.
She checks her phone.
“Time to leave.”
We ended up taking a nearly two-hour lunch break. No one at Home Depot cared or noticed.
I just spent an obscene amount of money on a pen
310 American dollars.
The Lamy 2000 is Lamy’s flagship fountain pen, and this silver version is made of a brushed stainless steel. The body contains a traditional piston filler mechanism that can be filled with bottled inks only, and has a large capacity. The platinum-coated nib is made of 14 carat gold. The Lamy 2000 is so revered that it is on permanent display at the Museum of Modern Art and has won countless design awards.
Fuck you and your Savings account. I’ll keep hemorrhaging money on pens, thanks.
Now Playing 6/9/13 @ 5:40 pm (Or, “I fucking love alcohol.”)
Porcupine Tree - Russia on Ice (Live, Chicago, 2010)
Johnnie Walker Black Label + Good music = Quality Sunday afternoon.
‘Sorta like sniffing my own poop’
Now Playing: Devin Townsend Project - True North
I think I met the female version of myself, although more attractive and not as tall. Alysha is just as cynical as me, and bitter towards others as I am. It’s quite alarming and refreshing at the same time.
We were both walking towards the front of the store yesterday morning when an older couple came toward us. The man was wearing a fanny pack. She literally points at them and says, “look at these douchebags.” And then, “I bet they keep their coupons in there (pointing at the fanny pack). Sorting them out watching Frasier on tape.”
So I say, “I wonder what kind of car they drive.”
“It’s pretty obvious,” she says, “they came in one of those nursing home party buses.”
“Where they play Canasta and Hearts on their iPads,” I say.
“iPads?” she says, “those two old people using an iPad is sorta like sniffing my own poop.” “It’s in the back of your mind, but just isn’t a good idea.”
If I was drinking I probably would’ve spit it out. Very funny and clever one this girl is. Perhaps even more clever than yours truly.
I used to care…
… then I started working at Home Depot.
Now I’m a much happier person. True story. Still bitter, but less so than before.
A guy walked up to me as I’m in the Lumber aisle and said—and I quote—“can you help me grab 22 pieces of studs?” So I say, “sorry, I don’t work here.” I walk away. True story.
So I’m at work right now. A few minutes ago I walk into the pro desk office there to check something for a delivery. The guy on there at the desk has “Rational Gaze” by Meshuggah playing on his docked iPhone.
Turns out he’s a huge metal fan and has been into Gojira since the original pressing of their first album was released here on the States. Which he has signed by the band, by the way. There really isn’t any point to this story other than metal being the best genre of music. Don’t get your panties in an uproar, only this humble mans opinion of course.